I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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