rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
