a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
