Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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