My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
