Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
