I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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