I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
