I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
