I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
