I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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