Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
