Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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