john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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