That's intense
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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