Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
