ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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