You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
