You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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