Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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