I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
