So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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