Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
