just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Welp...herpes.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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