Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i came on her dog
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
