I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
