took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
