I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
