You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
