Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
