well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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