At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
