Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
