you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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