First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
