a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
