My friends, they love my intelligence
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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