u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's official drugs can't kill me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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