Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
even my farts smell like vagina
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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