please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
