Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
