life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sorry about my life...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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