I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
