does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
