i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My life is pants optional.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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