I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
