I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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