Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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