His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
