you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
